Dakepaike's Weekly Quotes:

Week 18:



Diamond is a woman's best friend, money is a man's best buddy.





Oh, thanks for all the concern. I am fine. But i am having a bloody time now.



Feverish, migraine, running nose, sore throat, cough, gastro-relfux, stomachache, rashes...



All before the 1st 3 exam papers...



-dakepaike-

吾人哲思：唯心亦能解其忧

人生往往颠簸不平，坎坷难进。人乃感性之物，乃动物性之物，乃义理性之物。未发之前，亦为性。已发之后，亦为情。喜怒哀乐之情，发自于性，辟之于势。倘能施之以礼乐教化，以欣馨之乐充盈其感官，必有助于引导其情至中和之境。切莫过于拘泥于悲悯的深渊中，试攀出自身的设陷。心即理，万物皆备于心，心俨如一面明镜，反射其器中所容纳之百感交气。若有气煞之时或心气难以疏通之际，尝铭记于心以下格言：

人犹欢喜喜如愁，沉湎欲望犹如空。

百感郁闷彻心器，唯心亦能解其忧。

若不然，即使在无暇之际，朋友仍能充当聆听器，助其疏导焦急百感之气。哲学未必能解人世烦忧，万事愁郁。但吾人深信，一切根源于心，要迈向新的未来，还需解其心中的万事之痼结。解铃人还需系铃人，愁愁煞愁愁上愁，忧忧泻忧忧更忧，说倒容易做到难，但何不试着跨出一步，胜及后退百步。

GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!

Please, i need to study, why bombard me with this kind of things!!!!

You are making me sick of myself again, you are making me weak. Why?!?! I cannot comprehend you, are you joking? I sincerely hope so.

You expose my incapability, damn you.

But who can be that capable at this age?

Why are you doing this to me? Why? The floodgates once again open. I simply hate this feeling. I don't want to go thru' hell again. Please do not force me, I have plans for you, why did you ruin them before I can even execute them?

You are killing me... I hate you. But i cannot bear to hate you.

I once prayed for strength, now i need it. Please give it to me now.

Do you know how much i have suffered?!?! No, you don't know, maybe you don't even care. Seriously speaking, i don't care much about myself already. I am driven by fear so much that my body cannot feel anything.

I can throw my whole body into the fire but nothing gets done. Damn myself. I am losing ground. Somebody save me...

Nah, no one will save me. I guess reality gets the upper hand every single time. Shit.

-dakepaike-

1000 visitors, we have hit a milestone!

Yes, 1,000 visitors.

Lets look forward to the next 1000.

-dakepaike-

Dakepaike's Weekly Quotes:

Week 17:

The planner plans because he fears and the planner fears because he plans.


This is most probably my last long post before i go into the secluded mountains far away from civilisation to prepare for my exams. Haha... ok, not that serious, but I really need to catch up on a lot of things.

In life, we must have made plans before, be it long term or short term ones. We plan for various reasons and one of them can be due to fear.

Some people fear the future because of its uncertainties. Or maybe they fear they that do not have the capabilities to deal with future challenges. It is normal and natural to fear the future I think. Because sometimes future circumstances are truly beyond your control and they may drive you to a corner or have bad impacts on you.

The planner plans because her fear such consequences. When the planner is driven by fear, he will formulate his plans cautiously, covering all angles, ensuring things will go his way. But at the same time, when huge efforts are made to ensure his plans go smoothly, he will fear because he made his plans.

What if the plans do not go his way? Will all his efforts go down the drain? Will he face the prospect of something bad? Then why in the 1st place does he plan? When he knows that he cannot control certain factors that may hinder his goals? So, he fears because he plans, because he will be bothered by all these uncertainties in the process of planning. He may have back up plans, but as i have said, even back up plans will be to some extent dependent on future situations.

I always like to say the world is a very complicated place to live in. One day, I was listening to 98.5FM (not that I like that radio station, but because my father was listening to it) and there was this person talking about the philosophies of life. She is really an emotional and good speaker. Talked about so much stuff and used so many classic stories and quotes from famous people to decipher life. Obviously, being a free to air radio station, she could not say negative things about life, it was kind of like a motivational talk.

I told my dad "she is bull- sh*ting."

She tried to apply philosophies that she thought were right to every single person. Well, some of those sounded really simple. I do not like the fact that she tried to make life sound simple and that she disagreed with people who did things in a politically incorrect way. But I know it was kind of a motivational talk, so no complains. Oh, now I strongly disapprove quotes and phrases that encourages people to do things in a socially acceptable manner. I feel that these are quite naive things to listen to. The complexity of situations, individuals are so diverse, colourful and unique that we should not fix certain simple and seemingly useless advice and ideas to them. Simplifying things is just simply not embracing the beauty of diversity, complexity and uniqueness.

Ok, that's all from my for the time being. Unless my emotional faculty starts running loose again during this extremely crucial time (I really hope not).

Exams are coming!!! Good luck guys.

We are reaching a milestone too, 1000 visitors!!

-dakepaike-

Shadow of the Day

Maybe I should be starting a song appreciation kind of topic but I know my feelings for songs may not always come. Anyway, this is a stunning song from Linkin Park. The lyrics are rather ambiguous. A lot of people have different interpretation of the lyrics. Even the ending for this music video is being debated on. I shall present my take on the meaning of this song and share some other interpretations.

Shadow of the day

I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you.

Pink cards and flowers on your window,
Your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you.

And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you.

And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you.



So, is this a sad song or an encouraging one? Most people think it is some sort of encouraging song as they interpret it.

“Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.”
- Sometimes there are problems in life that does not have a solution; maybe letting go and move on is the best and only way.

- Some problems in life have no solution. Perhaps saying goodbye to this world (ending one’s life) is the only way out.

“And the sun will set for you,The sun will set for you.And the shadow of the day,Will embrace the world in grey,And the sun will set for you.”
- The shadow of the day is a metaphor for us as human beings to change the world, and we can't make it perfect, but we can embrace it in grey (Black and white, meaning we should try to be on the white part, even though the black part might always be with us, and that life can't be neither one of those colors, or we lose our balance).

- The Sun will set for you describe how things are eventually going to end and get better. The shadow of the day to me means the bad things that had happened that day. He's basically describing how with all the bad things that are happening, you have to remember that "the sun will set for you" and things will get better.

- "Will embrace the world in gray" -- Meaning how we lived today (shadow of the day) is what gives our outlook on life. In this song... the person is depressed so he shuts off the world which just furthers the depression. "And the sun will set for you" -- Just ties right back into the other two lines. Each and every day you have a new chance to embrace life and living, but it’s the choices you make in the today that will make tomorrow what it becomes.

- My interpretation: The writer is using subtle words to cover grave pain and sadness he feels. “The sun will set for you” I question the time frame the writer is trying to make us picture – the evening. Many sad circumstances are based on something ending and the day ending implies something sad. If it is an encouraging song, why choose to make the sun set for you instead of it rise for you? If the word “for” is changed to “on” ie: The sun will set on you, this will definitely depict a very unease image on the listeners. “The shadow of the day will embrace the world in grey” I disagree with people saying that there are sad things happening in life and we should just embrace them because the sun will still set for you. When the whole world is ‘embraced’ in grey, oh my… what a sad phrase… the writer’s choice of the word ‘embrace’ can imply that the situation has forced him to the corner but he still wants to believe in something good, hence embrace seems to be a more subtle word to describe the unimaginable bad thing (shadow of the day). Coupled with the whole song “beginnings/solutions aren’t so simple, goodbye is the only way” it portrays a really bad and bleak situation, especially when “your friends all plead for you to stay” but you think that goodbye seems to be the only way.

Weird Feelings...

If I haven't talked to one of my friends, I would be so sad now that no words can describe how sad I am.

But alas! Now, after talking to her, I have this very weird feeling inside.

Well, we had a 4 hour non-stop conversation. I was glad that she was free to meet me and even happier to know she also has a mind as complicated as I do. Basically, both of us have been through certain things that challenged the mind to its limits.

I shall not reveal the content, cos' even I myself cannot recall 100% what we talked about. But we had a lot of exchanges of ideas and she gave me a lot of advice which were somehow very difficult to follow. She has amazing skills, like being able to selectively block out certain memories, or make her mind go blank for some time. She has been through so much and I was quite surprised and shocked at her thought processes. I thought she was a simple lady (her hobbies are watching TV, reading Taiwanese sci-fi novels - weird).

I felt much better after talking to her, but strange things start to happen.

I do not feel as sad as I was before, sad thoughts are still circulating in my mind but seriously, I do not feel that sad. I felt happy, yeah, happy, which is quite an unbelievable feat with the current situation I am in. BUT... I don't think I am GENUINELY happy. It is a weird kind of happiness, i can feel that it is not real somehow.

I figure out that it seems like the mind is telling me "not to be so sad, try to be happy". I am following instructions from the mind, yes MERELY following instructions, not really understanding why.

I have an interesting analogy. It is like the teacher teaching you something. After listening to your teacher, you feel that something is not correct about her method and answer, but because she is the teacher, you just follow. You have burning questions in your mind, but you dare not put up your hand and question the teacher. You do your homework as according to what the teacher teaches, but you don't feel comfortable... something somewhere must be wrong but you cannot exactly point out what is wrong.

Fake sadness, fake happiness, fake normality... there is this conflict... Yes you do not feel that sad anymore, but you feel somehow this is not how you feel. You feel happy but you can still question yourself the genuine-ness of your happiness.

I think my feelings are put inside a matrix created by the mind. And all the feelings are metamorph-ized into Neo. He knows something is wrong with the world. He is not real in this world.

-dakepaike-

Unintended Weight Loss

It's official. I stepped up the weighing machine and looked at the weight markings. Wow... I myself was stunned. I lost 8kg in total within a few months.

Haha... many people, especially the ladies, must be envious of me. Well, I did not feel anything about the weight loss though. I did not expect such drastic weight loss because I eat as usual, sometimes even more.

"You've slimmed down! What did you do? On diet?" people who met me all asked me how and why did I slim down, the elders told me to eat more. Well, I actually ate a lot, but I still continue to lose weight.

My mum is most worried. She thought that I must have gotten some kind of illness, because she knows how much I eat, if I did exercise etc... She wants to bring me see a doctor! Haha... I think she is over-reacting.

"You looked uglier... you just go to the mirror and see how skinny you are, I can see your bones in the arms" Obviously my mum is exaggerating but she is genuinely worried.

I kept assuring her nothing is wrong. She suspected something must be wrong somewhere.

Yes, something is wrong...

Haha... when i looked into the mirror, my head now seems slightly bigger than my body. Yes, i realised I have slimmed too much, but I cannot help it.

The reason must be that I think of too much stuff that really worry me. Thinking burns quite a lot of calories I think, especially when you think of worrying and sad things.

Think I better consult my dietitian friend to see what she has got to say. She once told me it is ok as long as you down lose more than 5 kg in a month.

Sorry if I made you guys worried. I am pretty fine. So no worries, exams are coming, let us study hard!!!

-dakepaike-

Dakepaike's Weekly Quotes:

I am beginning to feel quite tired about the weekly quotes... but I should deliver what I promised. Sometimes, promises can really wear you down... but since I have promised, I will not back out.

Week 16:

The world is a crazy mind and the mind is a crazy world.

-dakepaike-

Tomorrow marks the end of my vegetarian diet

Yes, tomorrow is the last day i am on half day vegetarian diet for a month. I did that because people say it will be good for the ones you are praying.

I do not know the extent of the prayers if they are being answered. But I know now that it does not help me at all... Because I pray for the well-being of others, there may be an impeding bad karma that must be taken by someone, I am taking it now i think...

Ya, it does not pay to be good. Nice guys finish last, the good die young, good intentions have no good rewards.

Sigh... this is how the world operates.

-dakepaike-

How would your suicide note look like?

If you are in a state where seriously, you think that life is not worth living anymore, how would you draft out your final words to inform a friend? Here is how mine will look like:

Just in case I do not make it back, if I did not contact you by tonight, something is seriously wrong.

If something irreversible happens to me, please read this note to the following people:

1. To my dearest mum, I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world. I am sorry that I have done something really stupid. Please forgive me, please forgive your son, for at times, he is really in pain. I am just acting brave for a lot of times. I think I cannot take it anymore. I am sorry. I hope I will still be your son in the next lifetime. Please do not feel sad for me. Please move on with life.

2. Dad, you must stay strong for the family. I seriously want you to be devoted to this family. They will need you even more if I'm gone. I know you are going thru' some financial turmoil. Please be careful next time if you successful manage to overcome this hurdle. I also want you to be happy too. Despite what they have said, you have been a great Dad.

3. Sister Phyllis, you have been a great sister to me. Although you are not around most of the time, I know you still care a great deal about this family. Eric is a good man, you should stay with him. Pearlyn, study hard, but learn to relax as well. I am sorry that i cannot help you in your studies anymore. Take care of mummy if I'm gone ok? I know sometimes I seem reluctant to teach or help you because I am also very emotionally unstable... I am sorry.

4. To my clique.
Yujie: Thanks for being a great friend. I will not forget the times where we did projects together. I know your future will be very bright, keep going. All the best in your relationship.

Qiaomeng: you should change for the better, don't be too emotional ok? Don't end up like me. Get along well with the others. I admire your mindset of thinking that life is very precious and your daringness... I wish I was as daring as you.

LiangHong: I wish you all the best for your punter experiment. Remember, don't be too greedy, consistent discipline is needed. Hope everything will be smooth sailing for you, keep this to yourself

Vincent: I know you can go all the way to be an academic. Persevere. You have the determination and brains to do it.

Liming: By now someone would have informed you of me. Don't care about me. Concentrate in your studies. I know you have big ambitions, all the best to you.

To all my clique: Thank you for all the wonderful memories you have given to me. Without you guys, my life would be damn boring. You guys like to call me saint, but now you know that no man is a saint. even saints fall. I have to act normal in front of you guys, so if any one of you falls, I can catch you. But when I'm gone, please take care of yourselves. Do not have to miss me, do not cry for me.

5. To my friends in general: Thank you for being part of my life journey. Fate brought us together and i am very happy to also be part of your lives. I hope I have helped all of you in one way or another, so this lifetime of mine is not really wasted.

6. To my relatives: I know I have always been seen as a very good boy. Yes I am, but now i have done something that makes everyone sad. I am truly sorry... To 4th auntie, please stay strong, have the will to live, learn from my mistake. Your children need you a lot, you still have a long way to go.

7. To Yih Shian: Thank you so much for everything in this crucial period. I wished I was you, so carefree and happy, not like me, thinking too much...

8. To yong chun: though we have known each other only for a short time, you have been a great friend. thanks. Your sacrifice so that someone feels better working with me really touched me deeply.

9. To Yihua: Sergeant Loo... my most heartfelt thank you for you. You came to me at the lowest point in my life, you tried to cheer me up so hard. I am really happy to have a great friend like you. Thanks for all the trouble you went thru' to ensure i did nothing silly. I am sorry that I have to disappoint you this time.

10. To Tammy from SOS helpline: thank you for relieving me my sadness at one period of my life. You told me to make my heart listen to the mind, but this time round, the mind and the heart could well be in unison, they wanted out. I am sorry that your efforts in helping me did not pay off eventually. Please don't be dishearten, many others need your help.

11. To all others who know me: Please don't be sad, for i have come to the end of the road. thank you.

12. To you should know who: I am sorry if my death is another major blow for you. Please do not go back to the lifestyle you have previous months ago. That is my biggest hope the moment before I stop breathing. I want you to be genuinely happy, really. At my point of death, from the bottom of my heart, I still want the best for you.

To conclude:
I feel that life has come to a full stop. I cannot move at all. Everything I do will be meaningless, i don't think I should waste anymore time and resources on earth.

I know i will go to hell when i die. I just hope that even in hell, i can be the guardian angel for all of you. I hope that i can watch over everyone that has helped me in one way or another.

If my death is too painful for anyone of you to take, just forget you have known such a person in your life, maybe you will feel better.

Goodbye my dear world, a sinister and complicated, yet peaceful and beautiful world.
Goodbye everyone.

-dakepaike-
PS: this is not true... just a make up.

Sadness...

Sadness lingers around me
Sadness hovers above me
Sadness creeps beneath me
Sadness flows in my veins
Sadness pierces through my heart
Sadness blasts a hole in my head
Sadness controls my mind
Sadness dominates my thoughts
Sadness dictates my movements
Sadness eats away my sanity
Sadness ravages my soul
Sadness takes away my breath
Sadness blurs my vision
Sadness ruins my future
Sadness fills my life
Sadness makes me sad

-dakepaike-

Today Marks the Last Day of Praying

For 1 full month, I have prayed incessantly. It has been a tiring month. But if there is a need to pray any longer, I am more than willing to do so.

My reflections:

When I first started this routine, I was very emotional. Every step toward the temple felt so heavy. To say the truth, I seldom pray and now I am determined to pray everyday. It is kind of new feeling, I would not say it feels weird, but it just feels so different.

The 1st few days were difficult. When I was praying, I said everything in my mind. And this is quite a task to take. I don't know why but the mind tends to drift somewhere else, not because I am not concentrating or I am taking this lightly. It is just that the mind always flashes painful memories and it breaks my chain of thoughts and what I want to say.

My prayers were intermittent, sometimes pausing for quite a while to get my concentration back. But after a few days, I thought I learnt the trick to pray better - whisper your prayers out. I saw some aunties saying their prayers out softly and the speed at which their lips were moving was incredible, seemed like that have said a lot in a very short time. So I decided to give it a try and yes, it worked... I was not interrupted by the mind.

So for the subsequent weeks, I went to pray everyday. My footsteps got faster (sometimes I have to rush to school or rush home). But something never changed - the reason why I am praying.

Emotions changed as the circumstances changed. Sometimes my mind suddenly lost all its defense, I felt so weak kneeling and praying, I thought about so many things that I cried. Other times, I felt I have to be strong and brave and determined. But all the time, I was serious and solemn.

I felt bad about myself as initially, I questioned the effects of praying. But just days into praying, I knew I had to have faith. I really hope my sincerity and good intentions are enough for me to be deemed worth helping because I am not praying for myself.

I prayed particularly long today, from the bottom of my heart, I really do hope everything turns out to be fine.

-dakepaike-

Dakepaike's Weekly Quotes:

Week 15

Life is not a matter of choice and decision, but a matter of limited choice and forced decision.

-dakepaike-

Consequence VS Reputation

This is like a part 2 of consequence VS morality but with a different subject here – reputation.

Basically, the argument is the same. If one day, you face a situation where purposely ruining your own reputation can prevent you from facing a serious consequence so bad that it can damage your mental well-being, are you prepared to sacrifice your reputation?

Reputation is not built in a day. It takes months and even years. Here we suppose most of us are generally good and kind people, law abiding citizens, everything about us is just fine and normal. That is the kind of reputation I am talking about, not the kind where you are infamous for certain behaviours, notoriously known for certain practices etc. In general, a nice person. I am sure most of us can be described as ‘nice’. I hope so…

Back to the debate. Imagine you need to break that image to prevent a consequence. You know you are still that nice person but you have to portray yourself in a very bad light. You need to tell people bad stuff that you did not do, you need to shock them with false revelations about yourself, and you essentially need to tell a white lie. You know by saying this, it may result in many more people knowing something more about you. They may start to shun you; they may look at you in a peculiar way in the future, they may gossip behind your back about you, for something that you did not do at all. You ruin your reputation and have to carry this bad name for perhaps as long as you live. However, if doing this saves your sanity, would you do it?

Tricky one this. Sometimes, life just gets the better of you. We have to interact with the environment and in doing so, we create situations for ourselves. Sometimes, things go wrong, seriously wrong. You will be put in a spot where every single move is critical. You need to make sacrifices, you need to take risks. They do not always pay off and the odds are always against you somehow.

So if consequence and reputation goes head to head, which one would you choose? I know a lot of people will say ‘depends on the situation’. For the sake of weighing both the aspects, we have to put both in its most extreme cases – consequence: a chance of you going berserk is very high. Reputation: you have to live with a bad name for the rest of your life.

The choice is yours. You decide.

Consequence VS Morality

One of the possible personal battles in life anyone can experience.
Which side would you be on?
Which side would be a safer bet?

Consequence has a connotation of fear. By fearing an outcome, one will have to do something to prevent facing it. So, let’s just say it is a serious consequence that can be detrimental to you in very sense of the word. Human instincts tell us we need to protect ourselves; we need to find a way through at all costs.

However, if… to protect ourselves from harm, we need to challenge our moral values? Which one will you choose? I know some people do hold their moral values high, proud of what they have stood by for so many years. Maintaining a certain level of morality serves us well. It does not need a rocket scientist to tell you it feels good to be morally good. It can be rewarding at times too.

Now the million dollar question: What if one day, you are faced with a situation where the consequence is too much to take that you have to sacrifice your moral standards to exercise the most basic human instinct of protecting yourself? Men are not born to be morally upright, but man, like all other animals, is born to live and survive. Protecting oneself is an innate quality for survival. Morals, however, are inculcated, or shall we say socially constructed. Socially constructed ideologies are always bound to be heavily criticized. How much is your moral values worth? And how much is your sanity worth? (If the consequence causes damage to your mental well-being)

I remember the case of an air crash in the Cordillera in 1973 where the survivors in that crash had to resort to cannibalism to survive the freezing conditions and prevent them from starving to death. If you think it is wrong to eat human flesh, you may face the possibility of death. Families of the dead were outraged that their loved ones were eaten even after they were dead. Debates raged on and religious ethics and values were even brought in. In the end, the religions’ viewpoint is that under such a circumstance, the eating of another person’s flesh is justifiable. “under such a circumstance” –implies there is a consequence (death) to be feared, the human instincts are activated, the moral values give way.

I guess when these 2 aspects are pushed to their limits, consequence do have an edge over morality. So, will you be driven by consequences or still stand firm on your morals the next time you are put in an unimaginable spot?

-dakepaike-

Some reflections after a hospital visit

Went to NUH few days ago to visit a relative of mine. She is my 4th auntie and she is from Thailand. Took this chance to put my Thai speaking skills to the test. I tried to converse with her in Thai at every opportunity. Glad that she understood what I said.

But this is not the main point I am trying to tell.

As I walked through the ward, I saw so many patients. Some in really bad conditions, some looked like they were in pain and most of them are quite old already. I felt so sympathetic. I even feared that I may end up like them when I grow old, with all the illness catching me.

After staying in Singapore for over 20 years, my auntie learnt how to speak Mandarin quite well. We talked mainly in Mandarin. She was telling me how a few days ago, the nurses tried to extract blood plasma from her through her arm. Somehow blood kept spurting out from the nozzle. The scene must be quite dramatic and horrifying, seeing your blood spurt out with every slight movement of your arm. Heard that her bed was stained full of blood... I didn't know why the doctors and nurses couldn't stop the spurting.

She told me she wanted to give up. She actually had a relapse of cancer. She fully recovered half a year ago only to have a relapse 2 months ago. She asked the doctors to stop curing her. The financial burden and emotional distress for her family is too much. She was in great pain too. The doctors told her not to give up, everyone around her told her not to. Even my cute cousin who goes to visit her everyday asks her to fight on, so that the whole family can go back to Thailand for holidays in December.

I nearly cried. But she is strong. I told her to be strong, never to give up because her family needs her so much. I know my uncle is struggling between work and household chores. My 2 cousins grew up so much, they are so much more sensible, helping out their father in whatever way they can.

Then she told me about the previous patient at opposite bed - passed away just few days ago. and another patient in the other room just passed away too.

I don't know why do I feel so much... Life - such a strong entity, yet so vulnerable. But in the end, life always succumbs to death. This is the way things work out, I should not be too sad about it.

Oh, the nurses are quite cute... haha... as in, they are really friendly and always put a smile on their faces. And they wash their hand every 5 mins on average. They touch the patient or the patient's belongings, even for a second, they need to wash their hands after that... what strict hygiene standards!

-dakepaike-