Today Marks the Last Day of Praying
For 1 full month, I have prayed incessantly. It has been a tiring month. But if there is a need to pray any longer, I am more than willing to do so.
My reflections:
When I first started this routine, I was very emotional. Every step toward the temple felt so heavy. To say the truth, I seldom pray and now I am determined to pray everyday. It is kind of new feeling, I would not say it feels weird, but it just feels so different.
The 1st few days were difficult. When I was praying, I said everything in my mind. And this is quite a task to take. I don't know why but the mind tends to drift somewhere else, not because I am not concentrating or I am taking this lightly. It is just that the mind always flashes painful memories and it breaks my chain of thoughts and what I want to say.
My prayers were intermittent, sometimes pausing for quite a while to get my concentration back. But after a few days, I thought I learnt the trick to pray better - whisper your prayers out. I saw some aunties saying their prayers out softly and the speed at which their lips were moving was incredible, seemed like that have said a lot in a very short time. So I decided to give it a try and yes, it worked... I was not interrupted by the mind.
So for the subsequent weeks, I went to pray everyday. My footsteps got faster (sometimes I have to rush to school or rush home). But something never changed - the reason why I am praying.
Emotions changed as the circumstances changed. Sometimes my mind suddenly lost all its defense, I felt so weak kneeling and praying, I thought about so many things that I cried. Other times, I felt I have to be strong and brave and determined. But all the time, I was serious and solemn.
I felt bad about myself as initially, I questioned the effects of praying. But just days into praying, I knew I had to have faith. I really hope my sincerity and good intentions are enough for me to be deemed worth helping because I am not praying for myself.
I prayed particularly long today, from the bottom of my heart, I really do hope everything turns out to be fine.
-dakepaike-
My reflections:
When I first started this routine, I was very emotional. Every step toward the temple felt so heavy. To say the truth, I seldom pray and now I am determined to pray everyday. It is kind of new feeling, I would not say it feels weird, but it just feels so different.
The 1st few days were difficult. When I was praying, I said everything in my mind. And this is quite a task to take. I don't know why but the mind tends to drift somewhere else, not because I am not concentrating or I am taking this lightly. It is just that the mind always flashes painful memories and it breaks my chain of thoughts and what I want to say.
My prayers were intermittent, sometimes pausing for quite a while to get my concentration back. But after a few days, I thought I learnt the trick to pray better - whisper your prayers out. I saw some aunties saying their prayers out softly and the speed at which their lips were moving was incredible, seemed like that have said a lot in a very short time. So I decided to give it a try and yes, it worked... I was not interrupted by the mind.
So for the subsequent weeks, I went to pray everyday. My footsteps got faster (sometimes I have to rush to school or rush home). But something never changed - the reason why I am praying.
Emotions changed as the circumstances changed. Sometimes my mind suddenly lost all its defense, I felt so weak kneeling and praying, I thought about so many things that I cried. Other times, I felt I have to be strong and brave and determined. But all the time, I was serious and solemn.
I felt bad about myself as initially, I questioned the effects of praying. But just days into praying, I knew I had to have faith. I really hope my sincerity and good intentions are enough for me to be deemed worth helping because I am not praying for myself.
I prayed particularly long today, from the bottom of my heart, I really do hope everything turns out to be fine.
-dakepaike-
posted by fukepaike at 6:50 PM
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