Weird Feelings...
If I haven't talked to one of my friends, I would be so sad now that no words can describe how sad I am.
But alas! Now, after talking to her, I have this very weird feeling inside.
Well, we had a 4 hour non-stop conversation. I was glad that she was free to meet me and even happier to know she also has a mind as complicated as I do. Basically, both of us have been through certain things that challenged the mind to its limits.
I shall not reveal the content, cos' even I myself cannot recall 100% what we talked about. But we had a lot of exchanges of ideas and she gave me a lot of advice which were somehow very difficult to follow. She has amazing skills, like being able to selectively block out certain memories, or make her mind go blank for some time. She has been through so much and I was quite surprised and shocked at her thought processes. I thought she was a simple lady (her hobbies are watching TV, reading Taiwanese sci-fi novels - weird).
I felt much better after talking to her, but strange things start to happen.
I do not feel as sad as I was before, sad thoughts are still circulating in my mind but seriously, I do not feel that sad. I felt happy, yeah, happy, which is quite an unbelievable feat with the current situation I am in. BUT... I don't think I am GENUINELY happy. It is a weird kind of happiness, i can feel that it is not real somehow.
I figure out that it seems like the mind is telling me "not to be so sad, try to be happy". I am following instructions from the mind, yes MERELY following instructions, not really understanding why.
I have an interesting analogy. It is like the teacher teaching you something. After listening to your teacher, you feel that something is not correct about her method and answer, but because she is the teacher, you just follow. You have burning questions in your mind, but you dare not put up your hand and question the teacher. You do your homework as according to what the teacher teaches, but you don't feel comfortable... something somewhere must be wrong but you cannot exactly point out what is wrong.
Fake sadness, fake happiness, fake normality... there is this conflict... Yes you do not feel that sad anymore, but you feel somehow this is not how you feel. You feel happy but you can still question yourself the genuine-ness of your happiness.
I think my feelings are put inside a matrix created by the mind. And all the feelings are metamorph-ized into Neo. He knows something is wrong with the world. He is not real in this world.
-dakepaike-
But alas! Now, after talking to her, I have this very weird feeling inside.
Well, we had a 4 hour non-stop conversation. I was glad that she was free to meet me and even happier to know she also has a mind as complicated as I do. Basically, both of us have been through certain things that challenged the mind to its limits.
I shall not reveal the content, cos' even I myself cannot recall 100% what we talked about. But we had a lot of exchanges of ideas and she gave me a lot of advice which were somehow very difficult to follow. She has amazing skills, like being able to selectively block out certain memories, or make her mind go blank for some time. She has been through so much and I was quite surprised and shocked at her thought processes. I thought she was a simple lady (her hobbies are watching TV, reading Taiwanese sci-fi novels - weird).
I felt much better after talking to her, but strange things start to happen.
I do not feel as sad as I was before, sad thoughts are still circulating in my mind but seriously, I do not feel that sad. I felt happy, yeah, happy, which is quite an unbelievable feat with the current situation I am in. BUT... I don't think I am GENUINELY happy. It is a weird kind of happiness, i can feel that it is not real somehow.
I figure out that it seems like the mind is telling me "not to be so sad, try to be happy". I am following instructions from the mind, yes MERELY following instructions, not really understanding why.
I have an interesting analogy. It is like the teacher teaching you something. After listening to your teacher, you feel that something is not correct about her method and answer, but because she is the teacher, you just follow. You have burning questions in your mind, but you dare not put up your hand and question the teacher. You do your homework as according to what the teacher teaches, but you don't feel comfortable... something somewhere must be wrong but you cannot exactly point out what is wrong.
Fake sadness, fake happiness, fake normality... there is this conflict... Yes you do not feel that sad anymore, but you feel somehow this is not how you feel. You feel happy but you can still question yourself the genuine-ness of your happiness.
I think my feelings are put inside a matrix created by the mind. And all the feelings are metamorph-ized into Neo. He knows something is wrong with the world. He is not real in this world.
-dakepaike-
posted by fukepaike at 8:34 AM
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