I helped someone today but...
I must admit it was quite a coincidence. I was thinking about accumulation of good deeds in relation to prayers.
Surprisingly, I experienced an absurd number of times I was approached for help these days when I started going to the temple to pray.
Today, while I was on my way out, an old man approached me on the street.
"Excuse me, do you know how to get to NUH from here?" he asked.
He looked uneasy and spoke very softly.
"Wow... It is quite far away from here. You need to take bus 151 all the way till the end." I replied.
Suddenly, he grimaced. "I am suffering from a mild stroke now..." He seemed to be a bit shaky.
My hands are already in my pocket, wanting to take out my handphone to call the ambulance. He looked really in discomfort.
"Shall I call the ambulance?"
"No, it is expensive. $100 per journey."
"Then I flag for a taxi and I send you to NUH. (since I am going to school anyway)"
"No, I think it will be too long. What is the nearest hospital?"
"Changi General Hospital at Simei..."
"Ok, I think I will go there. Is $6 enough for the taxi fare?"
I know $6 is definitely not enough. I took out $15 of my $17 in my wallet (yes, I am cash strapped now) and passed to him.
"Take this money. Should be enough for you."
"How can I return you the money?"
"No need, you don't talk too much. Take care of yourself." He looked more in pain when he tried to speak.
I asked him to wait at the pavement as I stand close to the road to flag for a taxi.
When the taxi came, I asked the driver to send him to CGH and take good care of him.
Hmm... I was thinking I did a good deed. My 1st reaction was for the good karma to be accumulated on another person's 'account', not mine.
And the worst thing is... I did not feel happy helping someone. I know there is something seriously wrong with myself. Usually I would feel great helping someone, but it seems like things have changed...
Later I went to the temple as usual and included the old man in my prayers.
I believe I have lost faith in a lot of things. I have lost faith in values that guided me throughout my entire life. But the weird thing is - I think I will still continue to do things I lost faith in. Perhaps I am too accustomed to my principles and values, it has become a habit or maybe something deep down inside of me still believes in the values that brought me this far.
I don't know.
Today was a horrible day. Actually, everyday is horrible, today is exceptionally horrible. I have not cried for a week or so. Today, tears flowed free and easy. I have this urge to again slap myself repeatedly on the face again but thankfully I did not.
Well, I guess I have to bear with it for quite some time. I know that life will never be the same again. New fears, new uncertainty, new worries, new constraints...
-dakepaike-
Surprisingly, I experienced an absurd number of times I was approached for help these days when I started going to the temple to pray.
Today, while I was on my way out, an old man approached me on the street.
"Excuse me, do you know how to get to NUH from here?" he asked.
He looked uneasy and spoke very softly.
"Wow... It is quite far away from here. You need to take bus 151 all the way till the end." I replied.
Suddenly, he grimaced. "I am suffering from a mild stroke now..." He seemed to be a bit shaky.
My hands are already in my pocket, wanting to take out my handphone to call the ambulance. He looked really in discomfort.
"Shall I call the ambulance?"
"No, it is expensive. $100 per journey."
"Then I flag for a taxi and I send you to NUH. (since I am going to school anyway)"
"No, I think it will be too long. What is the nearest hospital?"
"Changi General Hospital at Simei..."
"Ok, I think I will go there. Is $6 enough for the taxi fare?"
I know $6 is definitely not enough. I took out $15 of my $17 in my wallet (yes, I am cash strapped now) and passed to him.
"Take this money. Should be enough for you."
"How can I return you the money?"
"No need, you don't talk too much. Take care of yourself." He looked more in pain when he tried to speak.
I asked him to wait at the pavement as I stand close to the road to flag for a taxi.
When the taxi came, I asked the driver to send him to CGH and take good care of him.
Hmm... I was thinking I did a good deed. My 1st reaction was for the good karma to be accumulated on another person's 'account', not mine.
And the worst thing is... I did not feel happy helping someone. I know there is something seriously wrong with myself. Usually I would feel great helping someone, but it seems like things have changed...
Later I went to the temple as usual and included the old man in my prayers.
I believe I have lost faith in a lot of things. I have lost faith in values that guided me throughout my entire life. But the weird thing is - I think I will still continue to do things I lost faith in. Perhaps I am too accustomed to my principles and values, it has become a habit or maybe something deep down inside of me still believes in the values that brought me this far.
I don't know.
Today was a horrible day. Actually, everyday is horrible, today is exceptionally horrible. I have not cried for a week or so. Today, tears flowed free and easy. I have this urge to again slap myself repeatedly on the face again but thankfully I did not.
Well, I guess I have to bear with it for quite some time. I know that life will never be the same again. New fears, new uncertainty, new worries, new constraints...
-dakepaike-
posted by fukepaike at 9:18 PM
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